not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize