She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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