I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
