fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
