capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
