walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
