the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
