I wish I could teleport
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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