i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
