dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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