Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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