It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This baby is an asshole
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
