he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
