My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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