apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
