I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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