Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My cat gives me a boner
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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