I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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