I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
