my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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