Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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