If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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