the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize