She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
