just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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