My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
