he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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