Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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