i think my tv is drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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