i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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