I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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