i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
