when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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