You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
