I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize