This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize