I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
