My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
