cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
