watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
