i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
