Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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