sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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