I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
