would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
