the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
