I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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