Come see our sink grown plant.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
