I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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