i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
