haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
