why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
