just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Found your dick twin last night
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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