Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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