The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
