The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
