someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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