where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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