i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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