I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
