i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
