Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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