Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
